1. |
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It's a DV tape filled with memories
It's a star that's almost fading
I never told you what I didn't hate and
I'm not sure that I'm good at saying
Someone once told me to say that
I miss you without a sense of
Irony or soberness or whatever
Illusions like you can talk at all
Learned to forget, now you can't recall
How does this help me anyways?
It's ingrained in the bodies they make up
I can't believe how badly I messed up
I slur my words constantly
How can you be sure that light you're looking at's still there?
Cause I've been looking at him for way too long and I wish you would stare
At me, let's create some distortions of memories
Losing all sense of control?
Losing all sense of your home?
I'm forgetting what you look like
I'm forgetting what it feels like
Nothing's ever gonna feel the same so can I just take a year to cry with you?
Oh my god I wanna stay with you
Listen to AM radio with you
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2. |
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I'm in that awkward position
where I haven't lived long enough yet
to sing about all the things that i hate
Seventeen and I still can't skate
I'm not going to use space as a metaphor
for feeling isolated and alone
Or being somewhere unfamiliar
That's way too subtle for me
there's nothing really left for me
i walk around empty
there's a constant existential dread
and i can feel it killing me
I wanna lay on the floor and feel
the ground grow into me
Cause I can barely be anything
that I really should be
i haven't done anything i wanted to do
i wasted my entire year of being 16
by sitting around and listening
to grandaddy on repeat
not quite apathetic and
not quite driven yet i
just wish everybody could leave me alone
just leave everybody else alone
just leave everybody else alone
there's nothing really left for me
i walk around empty
there's a constant existential dread
and i can feel it killing me
I wanna lay on the floor and feel
the ground grow into me
Cause I can barely be anything
that I really should be
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3. |
everything
02:59
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I'm using someone else's song
to tell you that I might be wrong
by I think that everything will turn out ok
I just wanted to ask you
Anyways
And I forget how the rest of the song goes, so I'll fill it with
I-love-you's
And I've broken so many flimsy picks
I'm looking through pictures I don't remember this
And I'm sipping tea just to soothe my voice from
another everything
I'm working on a better way
to tell you what you mean to me
And all this is to say
I wouldn't have it any other way
I wanna show you every demo that I make, oh my god
And I've broken so many flimsy picks
I'm looking through pictures I don't remember this
And I'm sipping tea just to soothe my voice from
another everything
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4. |
Rat's Reflection
06:32
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What are your plans this Halloween?
Mine always suck
I thought you were looking at me
I'll never see, I didn't mean
(I feel like I'm going to be fine)
Living panoptically's no way to live
I can't help myself to lie and to give
Everyone here is someone that you love
(Someone that you love)
Stained with water, her letters are wet
I can't bring myself to clean up the mess
I saw the floor moving yesterday, did you see it too?
Can we just watch
That movie with the shoegaze soundtrack?
I'm never getting better at all I promise, I promise
Can we just watch
That movie with the shoegaze soundtrack?
Maybe a little bit of you could bleed through to me?
Maybe, maybe
I'm not feeling well
I'm not sure that I can help
A hollow valley in some hell
A rat's reflection, it can't tell
I'm not feeling well
If I get sick will you tell
A violent sign that I was there
Ambivalent to our suffer
That cloud of worry it lingers
As the blood drips down your face
Can we just watch
That movie with the shoegaze soundtrack?
I'm never getting better at all I promise, I promise
Can we just watch
That movie with the shoegaze soundtrack?
Maybe a little bit of you could bleed through to me?
Maybe, maybe
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5. |
Altima
08:07
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Can you call me somebody that you care about
It won't help reassure my nervous bouts
It's just one month out of the rest of my life
So why's it feel like I'm destroying everything my
Every line I write down is one stanza too long
And it's all derivative of another song
I sometimes find myself surprised with how much i
can say, without saying anything at all
I'm forming a parasocial relationship with the imaginary version of myself
And when I fall asleep, the chirping of the birds fills the background
And I'm okay
Because it feels
So good
To be
With you
And I'm
So fucked
Because it's not real
And I'm so scared when I say it, it'll come out wrong
Because I'm so predictably awful, I'm the worst
I breakdown when plates break, I can't handle my own face
I know it's not attractive to whine on a song that, somebody's bound to hear at some point
But, I'm a huge pathetic mess right now and, I don't really know what else to do
I can sing a little and
I can cook a little but
I'm not very good at either
And trapped in my own
awareness that I'm not gonna die soon
I wanna say
Life's too long to waste it
doing anything
at all
What if I'm
Stuck outside
The place I need to be, for the rest of my life
I hate that
I'm a crime
I shouldn't even have been born at all
(Outside in the hot car waiting)
(Like a dog in a hot car waiting)
(Outside in the hot car waiting)
(Like a dog in a hot car waiting)
How am I supposed to live on my own
When I can't even live with myself?
A constant bombardment of feelings
I wish that I was a better piece of shit
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6. |
asterisks!!!!!!
04:48
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i spent last summer doing nothing
i predicted my own death
when i was 14
and i wrote about the end of the world
"there's no poetic justice, there's no irony in it all
it just kind of happens like that sometimes"
i wanted to care
i wanted to care
i wrote my first song about you
about how happy i would be to die in your arms tonight
i write about death too much
don't worry it's kinda fine now
now it's october and i'm
suffering, my writing's taunting me like it knows exactly what I did
now i am dreaming in the 6th grade
about people that i think i know
now i wish i was a good person
while i walk suburban streets take note of people around me
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7. |
post-everything
04:21
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Do you believe in souls tonight?
Cause I think it's kinda justified
I've got another hour to kill tonight
Another second to strangle to death tonight
Nothing ever really means anything
But that doesn't really matter to me
Cause I'll be damned
If i don't
Feel like
Every spectrum of emotion all at once
Its like Charlie Chaplin used to say um
That's to say he didn't say anything I'm
Silent or yelling depending on the moon I'm
In love or not depending on you cause
Nothing ever really means anything
But that doesn't really matter to me
Cause I'll be damned
If i don't
Feel like
Every spectrum of emotion all at once
Promise me we're not like Daniel and Laurie
A one sided love story for the ages
And promise me I'm not chasing the fiction
Of looking at you and falling in love
I'm not sure I could take it
I've spent too long waiting
For the perfect moment to say
I care about you
And I wanna say lately,
I've been thinking about you
Do you think about me too?
And I'm
Just looking for some catharsis tonight cause
I can't sleep and i am terrified of
Everything that's to come
Everything that's to come
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8. |
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Tear your voice to ribbons, while you endlessly search for a way out
It's a cronenberg movie: "I was a teenage boy" and now gore and blood are pouring out of me
I don't think it's hyperbole to say you will never understand
And I'm not the type of person who can just say what's on my mind
But I'm well I'm fine
Approximate reality, by joining in the cacophony
A facsimile of yourself stands in front of you
Jesus christ I can't live with it all
There's a constant cloud of dread
There's no difference between
Not living life and being dead
And there's jules verne book action adaptation
that's comparable to the daily horrors of
I can't explain to you but I swear to god we're all gonna die alone
I can't be left home alone
I need your cold alone
There's a bone in your heart, There are worms in your heart
Do you feel them looking out
I need help and
We're in the goddamn store, can you please not shout
I am looking at the stars right now
There is a painting leaning against my shelf
I can hear my breathing
I can feel my pillows
I touch my fingertips together in some awful hopeless way
I admired her when I saw
She saw the end of the show
And took a bow
They love you
They'll still love you
They love you
I'll still love you
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9. |
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Sometimes I get so afraid
That I can't do anything, I just sit and wait
For that awful feeling to wash over me
But then I realize, I'll be fine
We'll be fine
(right?)
I'm sorry I haven't been such a good friend
Or really a person at all
There's too many should haves
And not nearly enough I-love-you's
I swear I'm still here
I'm still here
It's not a flaw that you hold so tight
I know it's bad, but sometimes I have
To remind myself
That it's hard to escape
All on your own
So I'll hold on tight
Don't let go
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10. |
Civic
06:44
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It's the end of the world
(Isn't it?)
It's tough ahead
(Isn't it?)
In this moment
I am staring
I am hoping
I am waiting
I haven't understood anything that has happened for the longest time
A year ago I wrote, pretending to know who
to know, you stood so far
This is so embarrassing
But well I'll be all right
We'll be all right
I'll be all right
Does it feel right?
Does it feel like
All the time, everywhere
When I'm with you,
I can care
I can care
I could care
Could I feel fine?
Could I feel right?
Will I be fine?
Will you be right?
And I won't accept yes for an answer
Yes died a long time ago
Alcohol bottle towel fire
Throw it an armored home
Like an optimistic jab at the throat
Of a lesser god and a better foe
And I swear to god it doesn't get better
But I promise it'll stop getting worse at some point
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